That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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