He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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