Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize