he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
