allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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