I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
