The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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