I skipped work to stalk him.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
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