He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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