Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
