i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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