I just threw up on my dentist
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
