i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
