after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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