You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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