the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
