i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
