just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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