i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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