I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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