you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
