i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
