I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I am morally bankrupt
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize