i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
