Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
