I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
