You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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