I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
