I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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