i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
