Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
