so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
