she looked like the bat from fern gully.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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