Can i not drive my cunt home
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
