Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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