At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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