Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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