the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
