you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
