I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
