So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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