I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
