Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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