Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
