Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
