My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize