I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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