So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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