I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
