I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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