im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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