So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
