This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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