Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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