I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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