I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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