so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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