I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize