You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
