Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
