I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
