So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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