I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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