omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
