I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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