Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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