mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize