If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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