I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize