And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
