I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
