If that was your dad, he is hot
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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