Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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